A Letter to the Parent That Just Got That Phone Call
Dear Parents of College Freshman,
Hi! My name is Claire Portele, and I’m currently a senior at Belmont University in Nashville, Tennessee. I want to share something personal with you: I made that phone call to my parents a few weeks into my freshman year. You know the one. The one with tears, confusion, and a strong desire to transfer schools immediately? Yes, that one.
If you’ve just received a similar call, know this: it’s very normal, and you’re not alone. Hearing your child cry over the phone is one of the hardest things for a parent, but it’s important to remain calm and remember that this is part of the transition. Let me guide you through how to handle this situation with patience and care.
The Emotional Rollercoaster of the Freshman Year
Most of these “I want to come home” calls happen in the heat of the moment. When your student reaches out in distress, what they need most from you is encouragement and understanding—not an immediate solution to their problems. The desire to jump into “fix-it” mode is natural, but sometimes, all we really need is a listening ear.
What Freshmen Really Need From Their Parents
Remember, part of going off to college is so we can figure things out, feel uncomfortable, and do it on our own – no matter how difficult it may be for you to watch on the sidelines. Before swooping in to rescue us, or try and make a situation easier for us, ask your freshman what they really need right now. It could be as simple as a distraction, or maybe just a shoulder to cry on. Sometimes, they’ll want your advice, but other times, they just need to know you’re there. When they need more, you’ll know.
Encourage Patience and Persistence
Remind your freshman that college is an adjustment, and it’s perfectly okay to feel out of place during the first few weeks. One of the best pieces of advice my parents gave me was to stick it out for at least one full semester. If there’s one thing I’ve learned throughout my college career, it’s that a lot can change in a few months.
Push them to join student organizations, find a job or get plugged in with their professors. For a lot of people, establishing a community away from home can make a huge positive difference. A job on campus, study groups, or extracurricular activities can give them a sense of belonging, which is essential for making a smoother transition.
If your freshman gets through the full semester and still feels the same way, cross that bridge if and when you get there. But don’t pull the plug immediately before giving it a good college try (pun intended).
Plan a Visit Instead of Bringing Them Home
Come visit! Many schools offer Parent Weekends within the first few months. These weekends are the best of both worlds: you get to visit with your freshman and we get to show you our new lifestyle! We’ll have you meet our new friends, show you around campus, and take you to our favorite coffee shops and restaurants. It gives us a taste of home, without having to actually go home.
I didn’t go home until Thanksgiving my freshman year, and although it was tough at times, it was ultimately beneficial. It allowed me to invest time in meeting new people and exploring my surroundings, which helped me adjust.
Every Freshman’s Journey is Different
What’s most important to understand that everyone’s college transition looks different. Your freshman’s first few weeks might not mirror yours, their roommate’s, or anyone else’s—and that’s okay! There is no “normal” or “right” way to do this. Don’t compare your transition to someone else’s, instead remember that it IS a transition and it’s perfectly normal for it to feel a bit uncomfortable. Not long ago, I was in their shoes, feeling just as uncertain despite thinking I was ready for this next step.
Humble Beginnings Lead to Growth
During my first week at Belmont, my mom had to give me some tough love. She told me to stop calling her and get out there to make friends. While that was hard to hear, I knew deep down she was right. What your freshman needs from you is encouragement and a gentle push to overcome their initial struggles. They know they can do hard things deep down (and you, as their parent, know this too), but everyone needs a little affirmation sometimes!
Be the Encouragement They Need
Most of us (myself included) eventually found our way, even after making that phone call home. Remember this: when your freshman calls in tears, it’s not a reflection of failure but a sign of their growth. The journey can be tough, but they will learn that they are capable of more than they ever imagined.
Sincerely,
Claire Portele
(Current College Senior, Former College Freshman)
FAQ Section:
Q1: What should I say when my freshman says they hate college?
A1: Start by listening and validating their feelings. Encourage them to stick it out for at least one semester and explore campus resources like clubs or student organizations.
Q2: My child says their classes are too hard. How can I help?
A2: Reassure them that struggling academically is common in the first semester. Suggest that they visit tutoring centers or talk to their professors during office hours for support.
Q3: When should I worry about my child wanting to transfer?
A3: It’s normal for freshmen to feel uncertain, but if they still feel strongly about leaving after giving it a full semester or two, it may be worth exploring options for a transfer.
Q4: Should I let my freshman come home if they’re unhappy?
A4: Encourage them to stay on campus, especially in the first few months. Coming home too often can delay their adjustment to college life. Plan visits instead, like during Parent Weekend.
Q5: How can I help my child make friends in college?
A5: Encourage them to join clubs, study groups, or get a part-time job on campus to meet people. Socializing can be hard at first, but stepping out of their comfort zone is key.
Q6: Is it normal for my freshman to feel homesick?
A6: Yes, homesickness is very common in the first semester. Let them know that feeling out of place is part of adjusting to a new environment, and it will likely improve over time.
